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I’m a champion at long-distance essay writing. I am also a true charitable spirit who wants the best for my dear readers, so I’m here to share all my tips and tricks with all of you, free of charge! With these incredibly useful detailed instructions, you’ll be able to write an essay on just about anything and be top of your class! It’s easy as pie and just as fun! Let’s start with the first step.

1. Cry!

Let’s say you have an essay due in two weeks. The first step you need to do is to bring yourself in the mood. How can you achieve that, you ask? Well, by crying, of course! Crying is scientifically proven to be good for you, so cry your heart out. Writing an essay is a grief process – you’re mourning the loss of your free time and your sanity, it’s expected you go through the five stages of grief in that few moments you spare from your busy schedule to check QMplus. Cry like an extra in a soap opera whose contract’s dependent on their crying ability. Cry like a professional mourner who’s paid by tear. Cry like you’re about to get murdered and only your perfectly round, crystalline tears can soften the heart of your killer. And when you’re done, open your books.

2. Read the material!

Reading the material is an important step in the essay writing process. But remember, don’t do too much of it, because if you do, you might realize you’re studying and start to panic from this unusual and inhuman activity. You want to do it stealthily, line by line, letter by letter until you don’t even realize you’re exerting those little grey cells up in your skull. And of course, don’t over-exert them, they’re fragile. Allow yourself frequent breaks to sharpen your concentration to the highest degree. Every minute you spend without reading is a minute your brain is allowed to relax and repair itself from the strain of studying. (I have a medical degree, ask anybody.)

3. Clean your room!

The painful, challenging days of writing an essay will also make you realize for the first time how dirty your environment is. It’s crucial you immediately remedy that and start cleaning. A clean room equals a clean mind, therefore it’s imperative to finish cleaning before you do anything else. Spending your time deep cleaning your house instead of writing that assignment is 100% beneficial.

4. Realize you have a lot more time to complete the assignment than you thought!

After you have finished procrastinating… I mean, the very useful activity of cleaning, you may be inclined to check QMplus again. It’s a good thing you do because you might realize you have more time to complete the assignment than you’ve previously thought. Two more days stretch out before you, blessedly empty. You need to celebrate this unforeseen victory somehow.

5. Binge-watch TV!

So, you sit down to watch some Netflix or BBC iPlayer, because everybody needs a break, right? You’ve been so stressed, so distressed about this assignment; you’ve cried for two whole minutes, just staring at QMplus, you deserve to have some fun. Even in a war, there are periods of ceasefire; even in a prison, the guards let the prisoners enjoy some downtime. Why should you feel guilty for enjoying the free time you have rightfully earned?

6. Cry some more!

It seems impossible, but it somehow happened: You’re running out of time. Where did that 48 hours go? It cannot be that Peaky Blinders took up so much of your time! What now? There’s only one thing you can do: Have a mental breakdown. Lying face down on the carpet and crying relieves stress like nothing else. It also solves nothing, but at this point, we’re not here to solve our problems, we’re here to scream and cry. Only after we have done that are we ready to knuckle down and start seriously writing that essay.

7. Complete the assignment!

Now you see—It wasn’t that hard, was it? You sat down five hours before the deadline, downed four coffees, cried only three times and managed to submit that two-thousand-word essay one minute before the deadline. I’d say that’s marvellous work. Good job!

I am sure your success in part is thanks to me. As I said, I am a pro at essay writing, and now with my detailed instructions, you can be too! If you want to know more, buy my book for only £25.95! For my extra dedicated readers, now with an extra autograph that costs only £1.99 more! Don’t miss this incredible opportunity! Buy my book NOW!

(Featured Image Credit: @aaronburden from Unsplash)

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