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How to survive (any) lockdown

I never thought I would live through a pandemic. I didn’t even know these things existed anymore, but I guess the struggle of Man vs Microscopic Mutating Deadly Virus is never-ending. Throughout history there were plagues, cholera outbreaks, tuberculosis, smallpox, Spanish flu, et cetera till eternity, and when people had to move into lockdown every now and again, I assumed they coped with it like any other person: by writing plays that would be studied for generations to come. Well, at least if you’re Shakespeare, who wrote ‘King Lear’ and ‘Macbeth’ during an epidemic. And okay, we, mortals, might not reinvent literature and theatre in the same way, but there are still plenty of fun things for us to do during lockdown, especially in the holiday period. Here are five easy to do and entertaining lockdown activities!

1. Organize ZOOM meetings with friends and relations!

Thankfully, we have the Internet to keep us afloat in this sea of pandemic-induced isolation. It might be a blessing for some people to not have to interact with relatives during this season of compulsory jolliness, but others might feel lonelier than ever. For them, ZOOM hangouts are the perfect solution!

Nothing can be comparable to the feeling of pressing your palm against the screen like a convict during visitation, trying to find some solace in the cold, unresponsive plastic. If your connection drops and the video freezes, even better, you’ve just got yourself a still-life. Now you can stare at your aunt’s blurred face, her mouth open mid-sentence, front teeth dappled with Christmas dinner, for what seems like forever, like art coming to life. And nevermind that your grandma doesn’t know how to skype—it will bring you all the closer as you try to make her understand to no avail how Skype works. Which brings me to my next point.

2. Learn some new skills!

Teaching grandma to skype is a wonderful challenge, much like running a marathon, learning Japanese intuitively or any other activity that makes you crawl out of your skin. But don’t let grandma have all the fun—there’s a plethora of other skills you can learn, such as, artistic metal welding. Or glass blowing. Who doesn’t want to handle scorching hot materials without any preparation, experience or supervision? I know I do.

For those of you, unfortunates, who don’t have your own industrial smelters at home, I recommend Youtube tutorials on such useful topics as tax evasion; online piracy; forgery; cheating on CVs; all instrumental skills that you can rely on when you leave the safe cradle of university. Or, you know, you could just learn to be a hairdresser.

3. Experiment with your hair!

There’s no one to look at your hair now, so it’s time to embark on a new career! You always hated your hair? You always wanted to look punk? You always desired to have piss-blonde, blood-red or barely visible purple streaks in your hair? Now is your time to shine. You can cut and dye and perm to your heart’s content, and when in the end you’ll definitely come out different, there’s no one there to judge. So buy that cheap hairdye, cut that annoying bang, apply for that Loreal internship! Since people will always need hairdressers, I predict there’ll be a number of prospective hairdressers coming out of this pandemic, eager and capable to change our style and our ideal of beauty for forever.

4. Get to know people online!

But life is not only about work; sometimes you need someone to give you warmth on dark winter nights. Why not subscribe to a dating site then? There’s someone out there for you who will try to seduce you with fish pictures, cringey pick-up lines, an invitation for a threesome, or a very stylish bicycle with painted flames on the side. If you want to know more about how you can seduce any kind of person, just read my adventures in online dating. During the two whole days I’ve spent on Tinder, I’ve learnt everything there is to know about online dating and have presented an absolutely thorough deep-dive that will make you the ace of Tinder. Or if that doesn’t work for whatever reason—and it’s certainly no fault of my own, I’m only the oracle—why not…

5. Adopt a cat!

Cats are cute. Cats are fluffy. Cats are the perfect cure for depression induced by these dark winter months. They will also chew your leg off, even if you feed them properly. But what’s a little chewing compared to the infinite warmth and tenderness a cat can provide? They love you so much they sit on your face. On your chest. On your keyboard when you’re trying to work. They curl up in your hoodie and give you lasting scratch marks when you’re trying to move them. They push your dinner off the counter. They pee everywhere besides the place designated for peeing. And just when you’re absolutely fed up with their bullshit and have regretted buying a cat a thousand times, they will curl up in your lap and start purring, vibrating softly, warmly against your side, and somehow the world looks a little brighter for a change.

As a conclusion, I know we can survive this pandemic as we have survived everything else before, and sometimes we might even have fun while doing it. As for myself, I know I will binge-watch series in the dark during any lockdown that might come, while eating chips and drinking milk out of the carton. As to what I should watch – any recommendations?

(Featured Image Credit: @unitednations from Unsplash)

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