Horoscopes

Horoscopes

Aries
For the first time in a while, you’ll start feeling like yourself again. But don’t be feeling it too much. We both know what’s hidden under the floorboards in the basement, Karen.

Taurus
Unsure where your life is headed? Well neither am I, so sit tight sailor and join the fucking club.

Gemini
Cars are a negative influence upon you this month. Stay away from all cars, as they will have a undesirable impact upon your aura, the stars shall… Hey, I see you crossing that road! Stop! Oh yeah, I should go fuck myself, should I? Well get run over, see if I care! This is what I get for loving you, you heartless monster!

Cancer
Kind hearted: that’s exactly what you’re not. You will also get a feeling of déjà vu.

Leo
Move over, that person you hate: this month is your month if you’re a leo! But if the person you hate is a leo, then I’m sorry- you both lose.

Virgo
Everything, as usual, goes completely fine for you.

Libra
Kibbutz will be your word of the month, as you become a radical socialist after reading Animal Farm. But when you’re picking those hippie commune olives in three months’ time, wearing nothing but a hair shirt and some soy boy shoes: remember you’re contributing to the 50 years long colonisation of Palestine. Marx would be ashamed.

Scorpio
Actually, that one above might have been a bit harsh, so like: Scorpio, you’re an absolute G. Keep doing what you’re doing, become a Giraffe if you want. You rock.

Sagittarius
Time is a concept we created to try to make sense of a universe we can never possibly, truly comprehend. And when you think of yourself in the grand scale of humanity, and then you think of humanity as one of the many life forms of the earth, and then you consider the earth in the context of an infinite universe, you feel so, so very small and insignificant. So car jack that guy, because you don’t matter.

Capricorn
Only one day of the month shall be complete shit for you. The rest will be your average, daily grind, kid crying on the bus kind of shit.

Aquarius
Seriously though, just brush your tongue, man. It doesn’t take much. Just brush your tongue and your breath won’t smell like I just got ingested by Jabba the Hut. Fucking just do it, man.

Pisces
Pisces… pisces, pisces pieces. You’ve been… *hic* such a goddamn, a goddamn- yeah a god- good friend to me … *hic* and so, like, hear me out… *hic*… w-w-w-wait .. take my… drink *vomits in mouth* youchgurhghr, hhhhurrrrgggghh ppfffcchh *spits out vomit* I can’-t-t rememeber whaaaat I was… goin g.. to say.. *hic* HEY! Why’d you ta- ke my drink you fuCKER? I’ll *hic* fight you,… *hic* bitch.


Section: Satire

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