News in Brief

News in Brief

  • Another day, another morning where Theresa May wakes up in a cold sweat, heart beating erratically as she shouts: “let me out!”. Relieved for one sweet moment, she thinks it’s all a bad dream.
  • November officially renamed ‘noncevember’ in honour of Kevin Spacey
  • OH GOD, NOT YOU TOO *insert favourite celebrity here*
  • Sir Michael Fallon MP named ‘Customer of the Month’ at Soho adult shop, Harmony
  • Something about Trump… twitter… Kim Jong Un… ah, fuck it.
  • David Davis announces Brexit victory, as for the first time since talks began, EU negotiators refrain from spitting on his shoes as he enters the room.
  • Student body, consisting mainly of me, says: “Please replace the water dispensers in the library already, it’s been like a week”. Seriously, I can’t fill up my water bottle.

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Image: G. Crescoli on Unsplash

 


Section: Satire

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