How to live at QM rent-free

How to live at QM rent-free

We all know the price of rent in London is extortionate. We know student bank balances are often pretty dire. Understandably, too many a month has been spent eating only a mixture of chicken flavour instant noodles and rice every day.

So, we here at the QM Satire section wanted to come up with a few money saving tips for those on a tight budget. Here below is the definitive guide to living rent free on the QM campus. 

Tip 1: Need a room? No you don’t! With the library now open 24/7, you’ll never need a room again. Seriously, all we think you’ll need is your ID card, a duvet and a pillow. You think anyone is checking underneath the desks in the Law section on the second floor at 1am? We can confirm they’re not! Welcome to your new home.

Plus, we’re pretty sure there are no guidelines about sleeping in the library, which makes this activity 100% kosher. Your new home comes equipped with free internet and electricity, a complete lack of noisy neighbours and a central location. Think living under a desk might be a bit too communal for your tastes? Well, the study rooms on the second floor are rather cosy, and even have a TV 😉

Tip 2: The number one problem found with our “live in the library” approach has been students’ hygiene. Yes, you could bathe in the unisex bathroom sink, but all-in-all I wouldn’t want to accidentally get my genitals blasted by those mystical Dyson faucet-come-hand dryers. Nor, realistically, would I want to have a member of the opposite sex walk in on me doing so.

So, we’ve come up with an alternative: The QM gym. This fixes two problems in one: where to store your stuff, and how to keep clean. All you’ll need are toiletries, a towel and a padlock for the lockers, and you’ll be on your way! A 9-month membership (three semesters) is just £181! Goodbye £150 p/w + bills, and hello the high life. Plus, we reckon you’ll get really buff – because it’s the gym and stuff. 

Tip 3: Another issue are meals: how would you get them? Of course, with the money you’ll be saving, you could very well eat out at Nando’s every day and still save ample amounts of cash. However, even the most avid Nando’s fans know that might get a bit excessive (no matter how delicious that sunset burger is). Which is where the Village Shop comes in. More specifically, the Village Shop and it’s free-to-use microwave, allowing you to heat up your co-op pre made spaghetti during opening hours!

You’ll be on your way to saving pretty much all your student loan, plus any cheeky parental donations you might have swindled.


So that’s it, you’re set to make a profit if you follow these three simple tips. I mean, sure, you might
technically be homeless, but you’ll be the richest homeless person on campus!

 

Want to know more about how our editors write satire for The Print? Check out our latest podcast!

 

 

 

Image: pina messina on Unsplash


Section: Satire

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