Horoscopes

Horoscopes

Aries
You’ll get a haircut this month. Is it because, due to this horoscope, you just realised your hair is getting just a little too long? The stars and the moons are telling you to stop thinking critically. 

Taurus
Watch out for white men in positions of power this month… And the next month. And the one after that. 

Gemini
Hmmm yes dear show me your palm. Yes, oh I’m feeling the constellations converging over your aura, my dear- it is such a strong.. mmm feeling. I sense… you shall have great fortune this month, ahhhhh! Here’s the tip jar. 

Cancer
Nothing happens to you this month. Absolutely nothing. How nice. 

Leo
Your sign shares a first name with famous Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy. Funnily enough, your personality shares the boring, mind-numbing and waffling qualities of his famous novel, War and Peace

Virgo
Hot dad and rumoured sex god Jeff Goldblum will visit you in your dreams this month. How did this come to be? I guess life… uh… finds a way. 

Libra
A quick glance at your assignments shows me you have two essays due on one day. I predict: stress, tears and extreme negative fantasies about your degree. 

Scorpio
You’ll start noticing who has bad breath in your friend group. Now you can’t stop noticing. You’re welcome. 

Sagittarius
I guess your birthday is coming up or something. One year nearer to the endless, soundless void of the abyss. 

Capricorn
When fantasising about what songs you’d play as a guest on desert island discs, you realise you have (and I don’t joke here), the dullest taste in music that has ever existed on this mortal plane. Even fantasy Kirsty Young can’t help but fall asleep to your vanilla choices in country pop and 80s dad rock. 

Aquarius
You know that guy you fancy? Yeah, you know the guy I’m talking about. Super cute, in your seminar, looks constantly high? He hates you. 

Pisces
Honestly, I’ve run out of ideas. Pisces, you look like a good kid, so I’ll let you off with… your tendency to be impulsive is running high this month. Stay away from Kickstarter, Ikea and Primark. I don’t care how much of a deal that Harry Potter themed toilet plunger might be: resist!

 

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Section: Satire

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