Aries – March the 22nd to April the 20th
One night you will arrive home and be greeted by a mysterious bright light. Your flatmate has left the kitchen light on. Turn it off before you get a big bill.
Taurus – April the 21st to May the 21st
This is your month! Seize the day; seize the opportunity; seize the means of production.
Gemini – May the 22nd June the 21st
This month will be one of mystery, suspense and intrigue. You will be plunged into an unknown world full of danger – you’ll never be the same again. Remember to eat more aubergines.
Cancer – June the 22nd to July the 22nd
You reconnect with an old friend. You find out they hate dogs. The connection is severed.
Leo – July the 23rd to August the 23rd
Reading these horoscopes inspires you to write for The Print. Who knows, maybe you’ll write the horoscopes…
Virgo – August the 24th to September the 22nd
You turn to the horoscopes section, hoping to finally find something that doesn’t mention Donald Trump. Oh.
Libra – September the 23rd to October the 23rd
Mercury is rising, but Neptune is waning. Tweet Brian Cox and find out what this means.
Scorpio – October the 24th to November the 22nd
You are very much the same, but colder.
Sagittarius – November the 23rd to December the 21st
You will become the most celebrated Sagittarius of your generation. Wield your power wisely.
Capricorn – December the 22nd to January the 20th
The postman is the scariest thing this month. You will flinch 27 times.
Aquarius – January 21st to February the 18th
You will find love on the Northern Line. Alternatively, you will find a glove on the Northern Line. Take your chances and find out.
Pisces – February the 19th to March 21st
You are wondering what those mysterious noises are. Don’t worry – it’s just your neighbour sighing in an existential way.