Horoscopes

Horoscopes

AriesMarch the 22nd to April the 20th

Suspend your disbelief this month Aries, and take a chance on a superstitious hunch you wouldn’t usually listen to. On a completely separate and unrelated note, we recommend shaving one eyebrow off.

TaurusApril the 21st to May the 21st

Tell someone close to you how much you appreciate them. Sure, you may not know that stranger on the bench next to you (yet), but they probably need reassurance anyway.

GeminiMay the 22nd June the 21st

Tired of everyone making jokes about your “two-faced nature”? Turn the joke on them. Grow a second face. Who’s laughing now?

CancerJune the 22nd to July the 22nd

We’re not trying to be the cause of conflict in your life, but you should ask your best friend who has been stealing all your pencils.

LeoJuly the 23rd to August the 23rd

We’re not trying to be the cause of conflict in your life, but you should ask your best friend who has been stealing all your pencils.

VirgoAugust the 24th to September the 22nd

Neptune is dim in October, so be extra bright to make up for it! This includes, but is not limited to, wearing fairy lights around campus, dying your hair neon green, and trying not to put metal cutlery in the toaster anymore.

LibraSeptember the 23rd to October the 23rd

Light pollution in London means we can’t see your stars for this month Libra. That’s a shame. They would probably say something really witty and insightful at a time when you really need direction in your life. Oh well.

ScorpioOctober the 24th to November the 22nd

This month you’re a scorpion. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

SagittariusNovember the 23rd to December the 21st

Make sure to check all your sandwiches for spiders carefully. It only takes one time.

CapricornDecember the 22nd to January the 20th

Don’t worry about your friends Capricorn! You know they’re never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you.

AquariusJanuary 21st to February the 18th

As the young moon grows close to Venus, so do you to your heart’s desire. Seriously Aquarius, stop being a baby and do something about it.

PiscesFebruary the 19th to March 21st

Just stop it! I mean it Pieces! Just, just stop.


Section: Satire

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