Freshers Flu? Nope – You’re Just Gaining Super Powers

Freshers Flu? Nope – You’re Just Gaining Super Powers

It has been discovered that the famed “Freshers Flu”, which plagues first years all across the country, is actually a mass government cover-up.

The most written-about topic surrounding the beginning of a new academic year is the so-called ‘Freshers’ Flu’. Hangovers, headaches and hoarse throats are the most common symptoms of this illness, often likened to “a really bad cold”. But The Print can exclusively reveal that the entire thing is completely fake, and was made up to divert teens from realising they are developing super powers of sorts. Let’s rebuke some of these symptoms for what they really are.

Due to the amount of alcohol consumed by Freshers, hangovers and headaches are some of the first signs alerting students that their powers are evolving. But they are not to be feared. The head pounding is merely the brain expanding, ready for the overload of information incoming from lectures. You’ll definitely need that head space for learning such confusing concepts of ‘dog’ and ‘not dog’, as English students very well know.
And hangovers? They’re just psychological. Fake. In fact, mixing spirits with juice is much better for you. The orange juice cancels any trace of Vodka out, and everyone knows that vitamin C helps to cure the common cold.

It’s not only an increased brain size that this ‘flu’ is preparing students for. Students will become nocturnal and never need sleep again. Gone are the days of a blissful eight hours and an alarm clock – why sleep when you have essays, reading, and drinking to do?
With this decreased shuteye comes a decreased diet. Students are rapidly evolving to survive purely on caffeine, cigarettes, and the occasional post-Drapers Dixies. Not only does this new diet have elements of alliteration in, showing intelligence, but it saves money, too. Students really are developing those key survival skills.

Perhaps this is the reason the media and government are covering up the evolution – they are scared students will rise up against them with their new powers learnt exclusively through Freshers. Their cures for this fake flu include “don’t mingle” and “stay in your room”. (Echoes of the Dursleys anyone?) But advice from the SSU (Super Students’ Union) suggests you carry on as normal – drink, dance, hang until your head bursts.

Image: Tina Franklin/flickr


Section: Satire

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