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Aries: It has been a tough month for you, dear Aries. Plagued with illness and fatigue, you deserve a glass of wine… or a glass of gin… or both!

Taurus: Beware of people in your life who may be harbouring ulterior motives. Does that man who delivers parcels in a red van want to harm you and your family? More than likely, act now.

Gemini: Jupiter will influence Saturn, bringing a kaleidoscope of grief to your life. Nullify this anguish with a new hobby like woodworking.

Cancer: You will revisit Spy Kids 3D and find that it has aged magnificently. You will get back into the whole franchise in a big way and follow Antonio Banderas on twitter.

Leo: A chance encounter with Phil Jupitus results in a whirlwind romance, until you realise he was a social construct all along.

Virgo: A big opportunity will come your way, a chance for you to transform yourself, don’t take it, change is bad become stagnant like the statue of Pierce Brosnan in my shed.

Libra: A chance encounter with Phil Jupitus may leave you with a crippling groin injury. Wrap it up before you back it up.

Scorpio: You will be underwhelmed by a lazy horoscope.

Sagittarius: You will acquire legions of adoring fans after footage of you goes viral. How will you deal with fame? The state of Uranus will be crucial in deciding this.

Capricorn: You’re struggling to find the right balance between work, love and leisure. Maybe you could combine them all and have sex with everything? Easy problems have hard solutions.

Aquarius: You will save someone’s life this month (this is a cry for help, I’m being kept in a basement and forced to write horoscopes for a university newspaper, I am 48 years old).

Pisces: With Saturn in perihelion you will be prone to fall in love, especially near Cockfosters. Beware however, for the being may not be entirely human.

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