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Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,

On Saturday the 21st of February, a rare occurrence chanced itself upon our skies. The crescent moon was witnessed in close proximity to Mars and Venus. Astronomers’ interests were piqued at the beauty of the event, but in truth it portends nought nowt but evil and doom.

The warring over the celestial bodies for the domination of earth’s sky hath beginneth, the dome of night will shatter and rain down fragments of infinite blackness upon our sinful shoulders. The planets will be stricken from their resting places and fall helplessly into the sun. Brothers and sisters our end is imminent.

As it is written in Joel 2:31, “Tthe sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before the great and the terrible day of the LORD comes.”

I for one will not stand idly by while an ignominious fate awaits me. I propose to launch an expedition to the centre of the earth and, with the help of science, affect the rotation of the earth’s core, resulting in a rapid reversal of time.

Then, my dear friends, we will have returned to the blissful days of feudal England, a time that paid no heed to celestial phenomena and regarded those who did with intense suspicion. But I, along with my carefully selected team of intelligent, beautiful yet extremely passive women—being exempt from the effects of the reversal of the space time continuum—will rule over this doomed land as prophets.

Try and catch me now, Jesus.

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