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Bogged Down

Putting the toil in toilets…

We’re fairly certain there’s a basilisk, or some such creature, living in the campus plumbing system that occasionally samples a student or two.

This would explain the frequent apocalyptic state of the bathrooms and the absence of students from many a lecture and/or seminar. Some return, but they’re not the same…

Admittedly, this could be the work of Drapers.

The strange disappearance of toilet seats, the treatment of loo roll like confetti or bunting, the lack of flushing, and the strange occurrence of cold taps not working when hot taps only gush cold water, is causing fear amongst the student body who want to answer nature’s call.

We spoke to local experts to discover whether there was anything to our suspicions:

‘Basilisks quite commonly live underground and are notorious for using pipes to get around when they wish to come above the surface. The Harry Potter Society at QM has long suspected that a basilisk may very well be living right under the university as witnessed by the mess found in the bathrooms. However, seeing as nobody has been petrified yet we cannot confirm this rumour.’

With exam season looming, the chances of finding petrified students are predicted to increase significantly. Whether this can be pinned on a literal or figurative monster will only be ascertained by careful and cunning investigation.

How can this be tackled? We don’t yet know. I will say any candidate who wishes to be successful should have Parseltongue on their CV.

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