New resident columnist John Horse gives a wry look at the horror that is the world outside
Have you heard about this “A and E Waiting Times Improve” news story? Don’t get me started on that one!! Okay, ya got me by the gonads, I’ll spill my guts.
As long time readers will know, my hag of a wife has recently given birth to quadruplets, or as I call them, the HORSEmen of the apocalypse. This meant we had to go to the hospital, despite my demands that it be a homebirth (apparently my mate Keith was “not a qualified witchdoctor, let alone a qualified doctor”). Anyway, when we were at the A and E I began internally satirising the situation. There was a big fat man in front of us and I nudged my wife and said, “Glenda, what do you think of that?” She stared at me in a way I can only describe as queryingly. “I’ve got some thoughts,” I continued, “don’t you think big fat men should be denied healthcare? I mean, they’re so big and fat I’m surprised there’s any space for diseases anyway!” The people around me began to listen, and this spurred me to shout. “I mean, for God’s sake, these men are so big and fat that they probably can’t even get ill, they’re so big and fat!”
Later I went to the vending machine to get some Skittles. I don’t know where my wife was at this point because I’d forgotten about her. As I approached the vending machine I thought, hold on, aren’t Skittles bad for me? Why are they selling these at a hospital?! Shouldn’t they be selling salad or something?! I mean for God’s sake, what’s going on in A and E when I can just waltz around chomping on Skittles just waiting to get a disease! No wonder the waits are so long, when you come in you haven’t even got a disease, but then you eat so many Skittles you do get a disease! I mean come on guys! Can’t you do anything right!
Later when I was eating my Skittles (I say eating, I was sucking on them and spitting them across the hospital floor) I thought to myself, why don’t they just make the hospital in our house?! Imagine that, “hello Doctor do you want some bacon and eggs for breakfast? Oh no they’re high in cholesterol are they? Well Mr Doctor I think you’re being very rude!” It would be mad! I began writing my script there and then. If Charlie Brooker can get Black Mirror commissioned, why can’t a fellow satirist like me get a TV show? Mine would at least be funny. It’s called Hospital House and it’s about a hospital being in someone’s house. They say things like “hello Doctor do you want some bacon and eggs for breakfast? Oh no they’re high in cholesterol are they? Well Mr Doctor I think you’re being very rude!”
Brothel House premieres on Tuesday on BBC Three.