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Arms will “Double in length” if selfie culture persists

Top QM evolutionary biologist pens report in Lancet on ‘’catastrophic’’ effects of selfies on upper limbs

 
A report penned by prestigious QM evolutionary biologist Dr Nigel Smegwart OBE has warned of the dramatic evolutionary dangers of “selfie culture” on the length of people’s arms in the future. The report, which has been featured in the Lancet medical journal, claims that younger generations can expect to be born with arms up to ‘‘double their current length’’ due to the arm stretching requirements of ‘’above average selfies’’ – ones in which the camera is held at arm’s length to allow for the optimum ratio of background to face.

Dr Smegwart OBE explains: “What we are seeing now is a generation obsessed with ‘the perfect selfie’. Although some are able to employ devices such as the ‘selfie stick’ to create better images, we have observed that many who cannot afford proper equipment find themselves stretching their arms repetitively throughout the day. With the average youngster taking between fifty to a hundred selfies a day, this is an extensive amount of ‘optimum-extend’ stretching.”

“Studies have shown that those with better selfies are more likely to find a mate and reproduce. This, combined with the ‘rabbit-like’ reproduction seen in today’s youth, means that, in simple scientific terms, stretched arms will be a feature carried forward as a desirable genetic trait for natural selection, and thus future generations will be born with longer arms to aid their survival.”

A research team comprising members of prestigious university biology departments throughout the world are thought to be presenting a similar report at an international evolutionary biology event later this year in Toronto, Canada.

Dr Smegwart OBE adds: “Selfies may seem harmless, but anything in excess can prove dangerous, even Cheerios, or dare I say it – water. It is a humorous image to have in mind, but in the future, if selfie culture persists, we could have a generation fresh out of the womb resembling Mr Tickle. We’d have to change every aspect of life to accommodate them – from clothing to space on public transport.”

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