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UKIP Calypso-not fooling us

Our mystery debunking intern and undergrad investigation studies student looks into the more sinister aspects of a far-right anthem

The recent release of UKIP Calypso by Former Estate Agent and Radio 1 DJ Mickey Manchester (also known as Mike Read) has puzzled many and Mile End campus has been buzzing with speculation about the mysterious circumstances of its creation. Well I don’t know if it has really, I don’t speak to many people but I think I overheard a few people talking about it in the Hive the other day. I’ve definitely mentioned it a few times.

Chris Moyles has hit out at the media after the huge amount of press garnered by Read’s song, saying “I can do a much better song than Mike Read in a much more offensive accent, remember me? I’m Chris Moyles. Remember Comedy Dave? Please somebody subscribe to my YouTube channel.”

Mickey has responded to the outrage against the questionable taste of the song with various excuses, none of which corroborate. At first he refused to comment, screaming in a muffled voice at reporters “I am not an animal, I am a human being!”

Afterwards he claimed it was a novelty song for Halloween and that “in the video I would have been dressed as a werewolf or something,” but when asked to provide proof in the form of video or photographic evidence he began to cry and bang on the table with his fists, changing the subject rapidly to the dangers of fireworks and urging parents to be careful handling fireworks around children on November the fifth.

Upon suspicion that this was simply a distraction technique he was asked again and his response was that he was forced to write and record the song as “a dare” when pressed for an explanation he said: “Ken Bruce dared me to do it, he said that if I didn’t I’d have to show my pants to some girls.” Adding, “It was a double dare mind, and you can’t get out of those.”

But my dad says Mike Read’s probably not the kind of bloke that would keep up his end if someone dared him, he said he met Mike Read once outside a Costa Coffee near the White City tube station and he asked for directions to the big Arndale centre and Mike Read ignored him. My dad said he stood there waiting for an answer for a while too and Mike Read just said nothing and Dad had to find the big Arndale centre by himself but it wasn’t far so it didn’t really matter, all that is according to my dad who’s pretty smart, not smart like a doctor or a scientist but he’s been about for a while and he knows what he’s on about.

The latest suspicions that have arisen about Mike Read’s conduct centre around the suggestion that UKIP Calypso is in fact an encoded message and that Mike Read is a skilled cat-burglar and is planning a heist of the Crown Jewels. Linguists and professors of English literature have pointed out that, with minor manipulations, the song can be read as an acrostic poem in which the first letter of every line spells “OOH NIKIN TCrWNJLES. F**K [THE] QUEEN”

This is the second time Mickey has embarked on a politically motivated musical project, in 2006 he performed a ten-minute rap at the Tory party conference. Its length is purportedly due to the vast amount of information hidden among its lyrics; that it held clues to the coordinates of the future burial location of the Crown Jewels and gave Douglas Carswell and Mark Reckless suggested dates for their defection from the Tory party to UKIP.

Nigel Farage refuses to comment on the speculations that he and his party may be behind the conspiracy to steal the Crown Jewels, saying: “I’ve never even heard of the Crown Jewels”. An allegation that Farage would use the Crown Jewels as a bargaining tool to become King of London was attributed to a rumour spread by Douglas Carswell, who was unable to appear in public this week, which a PR representative attributes to Mr Carswell being “trapped in a hedge maze”. This allegation came under question recently as Mark Reckless let it slip that he believed the Crown Jewels to be “imbued with untold magical power that grant the wearer any wish he desires, except the wish for more wishes obviously, that’s the rule with most enchanted artefacts of this kind, so if Nigel wanted to be King of London he could just wish for it”.

While the case remains open, fears that UKIP are dabbling in black magic, the occult and grand theft are mounting. It is clear that the public should be mighty afraid and that’s for certain, oh there’s trouble a-brewing yes siree.

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