This week, our listicle editor lifts the seat on what to do when you drop the kids off at the wrong pool
Follow me as I spin you a yarn. You are round your friend’s house. You understand he is more cultured than you, but despite your unworldliness, he keeps you as a friend. You are grateful of this. You are watching TV with him when uh oh! Natural urges to shit begin.
“Hey Xavier,” you say, “Where’s your bog at?” Xavier winces and replies, “Top of the stairs you fucking idiot.” You laugh at his little joke and amble up to the toilet. You relieve yourself and return. “Hey, Xaviatron, your shitter is so close to the ground I had to squat!” Xavier’s eyes rise above his Nabokov, “No it isn’t. Are you talking about the bidet?” “G’day moit!” you reply instinctively. “No, I said bidet. Did you piss in my bidet?” Your heart begins to race. The instinct of preservation, passed down from our cavemen ancestors kicks in. “Haha no. I know what a bidet is. I didn’t shit in it.” Xavier sighs and returns to his paperback. But now where do you go?
Here’s some tips on what NOT to do:
- Don’t tell anyone. Very rarely does the sentence, “Hey, I think I might have shat in your bidet,” result in a hearty clap on the back and your host reassuring you that “everyone has shat in a bidet and it’s no biggie, I’ll just go up and clear it up for you, buddy.” What will happen is they will get angry, they’ll probably call you an idiot and tell all their friends, and all their friends will call you an idiot, even if they’ve never met you before. Also you don’t want to tell people who don’t even know the bidet owner, because they too will think you’re an idiot, even if they gave birth to you. Keep your lips sealed, you’re in this on your own.
2. Don’t say, “Oh I need the toilet again.” Naturally, you want to deal with this situation as quickly as possible, but saying this arouses suspicion in the bidet owner, who has no doubt already imagined that you might shit in his bidet. Instead, act casually, and after about five minutes say, “I’m hungry! Have you got any crisps?” When the bidet owner offers to get you the crisps, say, “No! You don’t know what flavours I like!” and rush out of the room. Now you have five to ten minutes to clear up the bidet, because the bidet owner will innately understand it will take you a long time to find the crisps.
3. When you return do not say, “Wow, I just love your bidet. I love bidets.” Firstly, your repetition of the word ‘bidet’ will not result in the bidet owner assuming you must know a lot about bidets, but rather he will assume that you are overcompensating, and only recently learned what a bidet is, or at least the word ‘bidet’. Secondly, you went to get crisps, and he will bring this up with you. “Oh, I thought you might keep your crisps in the bathroom. I keep my crisps in the bathroom.” This is a lie; he will know. At this point you’re pretty much golden though, because even if he suspects that you have done a shit in his bidet, he will have no concrete proof, and instead he will merely mention to his friends that you might have possibly shat in his bidet, because you were so weird about his bidet, and you kept mentioning his bidet. This tip is merely to cover up any suspicion that you have shat in a bidet.
Hopefully this listicle will guide you in your very specific times of trouble. Not everyone has shat in a bidet, and I am not trying to suggest that everyone has, and anyone who says that’s what I’m suggesting is a liar. I have never said that. But if you do find that you have shat in a bidet, then just remember, everyone has shat in a bidet at some point in their life.