Due to student enquiries into the seemingly trifling matter, the Queens’ Building proved today that the figure found eating out of the bin behind the Curve on Monday night was in fact the male judge of a well-known television programme
They added that they thought ‘’he was probably baked at the time – am I right?!’’
Police enquires are being made as to the identity of the person, who was allegedly dressed up like a tart. Eyewitnesses have also stated that the figure had ‘’a grey beard and eyes like chipped blue ice’’, smiling to himself as he ‘’found the last slice of carrot cake’’.
This report has led some to believe the figure was the infamous Paul Hollywood. One source told reporters that he was angry, lamenting the end of the popular Great British Bake Off, shouting ‘’this is all your fault Mary, your face looks like a scrotum’’.
Psychologist Vicky Sponge has commented on the behaviour of television personalities after their appearances have come to a halt. ‘’We call this the ‘TV tantrum torpedo’. It is merely a response to not being seen by thousands of people every week. Once Simon Cowell pissed in my car.’’
Students have been reassured that this incident is not likely to happen again, although Paul Hollywood is still allegedly telling people to “gaze into [my] eyes. Don’t ever look away. Please.”