Our serial mystery debunker and searcher of meaning looks to and through France House for the answers on the hole
One of the most enthralling mysteries of all the mysteries is the mystery of how come there’s that big hole in the middle of the big blue posh halls of residence with the baths in it. It’s a right big hole too, just there, look, you can see right through to the park. Theories abound on this subject and many mystery debunkers like myself have deliberated tirelessly on your behalf, spending long sleepless nights attempting to eradicate mystery and intrigue.
“But wait!” you interrupt, rudely, “Isn’t the ability to ponder and create mystery an amazing expression of the creativity of the human mind, and doesn’t the concept of mystery itself give life an enigmatic quality that arguably makes it worth living?”
Well, the answer is no. I’m surprised I even let you finish, and you’re welcome by the way, didn’t you see that bit up there where I said I’ve lost sleep over this you asshole, now let me finish.
The most popular theory is currently that the ancient aboriginal people of Mile End practiced a rudimentary form of Feng Shui in which they believed that their buildings could not encroach upon the sky realm of the river dragon that dwells beneath what is now that park over there where I definitely saw a heron once. Andy said it wasn’t but my dad does bird-watching and when I described it he said that sounded pretty much like a heron and he’d know.
The legend goes that France House was built in its entirety but blocked the path of the dragon. Upon its completion, a vengeful giant came upon this creation and, because of the bond of fraternity between all mythical beings, meticulously but violently tore the segment from France House to allow the free transit of said dragon. This theory is clearly hogwash and baloney; giants are typically sedate and reclusive creatures, not to mention weak. I bet they couldn’t even bench 200lbs. I don’t know how heavy that is but I reckon I can and I’m not even that hard.
The truth behind this strange disappearance actually stems from a simple social faux pas. A dispute arose between England and France at France’s birthday party. England got there and was like “Shit look at all those presents, I didn’t bring anything” but France was like “What the fuck man? I mean, you don’t like me and I don’t like you but we should at least be civil, you know it’s my birthday, you can’t turn up here without a present.” England, hurt by this rebuff and doubly because he actually thinks France is a sound bloke and didn’t know they were on bad terms, proceeded to drown his sorrows at the open bar (which is pretty bitchin’, open bars are great man – I bet Puff Daddy has open bars at his parties.)
In a drunken stupor, England flippantly mentioned the construction of France House and claimed, jokingly, that it was France’s birthday present. France was actually pretty happy about it seeing as most of his other presents were dinnerware and apart from a lava lamp that the Netherlands got him, he reckoned this was his best present. In the morning France rang England and mentioned the building, but England got pretty wrecked at that party and having only a memory of France’s dismissal of their friendship said “I don’t see your name on it” and hung up which, you’ve got to admit, is pretty funny, and clever too.
In short, France got mad and, sneaking in under the cover of darkness, stole a segment of France house in revenge for England’s conduct at his birthday party.
Also, I’m selling some shoes, they’re Doc Martens, black ones. They’ve got a hole in, but it’s only small and you can definitely patch that up. £40 ONO. Contact me and ask for Ali. I’m Ali.