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The names they are a changin’

Qmessenger is no more

There has been universal outrage this week as the venerable citizens of planet earth gaped in disgusted awe at The Print. The powers that be cite the origin of this name change as both a reference to the medium in which the paper is written and some spurious reference to a cat or something, I don’t know. To be honest I haven’t done any research. Needless to say everybody lost their shit. And when I say everybody I mean literally dozens of people. Well, maybe half-dozens. Ok, around half a dozen people, maybe less.

Yes it may seem inconsequential to someone of your intellectual stature. In fact you may wonder why anybody, to whom the phenomenon of human interaction was no longer a mystery, would concern themselves with such an issue. But there is more to this rebranding than simply a reinvigoration of the ethos of the paper and a chance to change it for the better.

Davey Brett, this paper’s ‘Editor’ has been connected with various illicit and nefarious dealings. Not only has he been involved with various planning-permission discrepancies and owns a dangerously large python that he plans to simply flush down the toilet when it becomes unmanageable, my friend Henrietta said she’s definitely seen him sneaking about outside her house and looking in her bins and, also, I found a picture of him on Google where he’s got the head and chest of a man but the legs of a goat like Mr. Tumnus.

“Ok, but why does a name change matter?” You ask, like an idiot would ask. Well I’ll tell you won’t I, as if it’s not already clear. Because we should fear change, change is the enemy, and Davey Brett keeps his enemies close. Starburst used to be called Opal Fruits. Snickers used to be called Marathon. Cif Used to be Jif and ISIS has recently rebranded to the less snappy but trendier Islamic State.

Most troubling example of all however is that of Cinnamon Grahams. Cinnamon Grahams spent years in the wilderness and came back Curiously Cinnamon. This marketing strategy puzzled many consumers. “Who is this unrecognisable cereal and why does he seem so curious?” They cried “Curiosity is not appetising and I will not put him in my mouth!” they screamed. “And what the fuck happened to Graham?” The cry resounded around the world I presume.

Perhaps years out of the limelight and the rejection that Cinnamon Graham experienced led him to rediscover himself. Perhaps he went on a gap year or went travelling and upon returning decided to reveal a personality overhaul. But what did he see out there? He’s sinister now. In conclusion, you reap what you sow, goodnight.

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