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Freshers’ Top Tips

So! You’re a Fresher! You’ve made it to university! Congratulations!

Things are looking up for you, but guess what? The next two weeks of your life are going to be hell! You’re going to really, really hate it, and guess what? There’s nothing you can do to make you love it! However, there are things you can do to ensure that you retain a basic sense of humanity. I’ve compiled these into a formal list that you can religiously abide by. Failing to follow the list will result in emotional crippling that will take years to wash out.

 
1. Do crosswords.
The elderly are recommended to complete crosswords as a way of keeping their mind healthy and active. Though you are not elderly, and are perhaps at a point in your life where you feel most youthful, by the end of the two weeks your heart and mind will be old. Like the Classical Sibyl, you will find yourself trapped unwillingly in mortality, but unable to die. Your uni friends will catch your aching glances towards the cemetery, but they will not speak, because they also know. So do crosswords! They will keep your mind fresh, and you will be used to the monotony of life.

2. Don’t cry in public.
Though it might seem tempting and the exhaustion you feel afterwards will result in the best night’s sleep you have ever had, it sparks worry in your fellow Freshers. I remember when I was a Fresher – a trip to Drapers turned into an orgy of weeping revellers after one student stopped dancing, kneeled down on the sticky ground, and began sobbing so loud the DJ had to cut the music. For a moment it was only him, his face convulsed and twisted in grief, his naked, ugly passion merely a spectacle, something we could distance ourselves from. But suddenly, something broke and one after another the students cried. Drapers became a place of sadness and despair, and it hasn’t been the same since. So don’t do that.

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