The Guillotine’s Advice Column

The Guillotine’s Advice Column

Anon: Help! I really want to fuck my lecturer. I can’t get over this BURNING URGE, what should I do?

 

You know babes, most people would tell you to get over it. Most people would say “he, or she (but let’s be honest, he) is too old for you”. Most people would remind you that he probably doesn’t fancy you back, and that it’s just a passing phase, and it’s only natural that you should develop a crush on someone you respect, girl.

But I am not most people, and so I say: fucking go for it bitch!

You goddamn Weinstein that 40 year old married man with school aged children like you fucking MEAN IT. Did someone move a plant pot near you? Make your move!!

And if you get kicked out of uni? Fucking WORTH IT BABES: you got some professorial crunk, some PhD, that 10-minute lecture and a private seminar. If you know what I’m sayin’ 😉.

You know, I always say I like my wine like I like my men: so vintage he only knows what Tracy Beaker is because he watched it with his kids. So what if he’s old? I’m sure that means he’s got some experience in the bedroom, and you DEFINITELY shouldn’t question why a mature man with a stable career would actively pursue a woman the age of his daughter. There’s no reason why Woody Allen’s ‘Manhattan’ can’t be foreplay, you saucy minx.

So my darling: shoot for those stars!  And when you’re facing your friends’, your parents’ and school’s crushing disappointment and abject disgust, just think of me screaming “YAAAAS QUEEN YAAAAAS and get your thang learnt.

 

‘Ill-advised Iona’ has been providing advice for women for over twenty years. Her previous accomplishments include encouraging someone to jump off a bridge, recommending a safari ranger become a furry, and (possibly worst of all) endorsing an English and Drama BA for its guaranteed employability.

 

Photo by jen collins on Flickr


Section: Satire

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