Darren, self-proclaimed spokesman for the world, in the early hours of Friday morning declared ‘that cutesy girl who unsuspectedly likes really hardcore stuff’ an overused cliché.
The proclamation happened at a house party in Mile End, when in a group conversation, Melissa declared she liked death metal. Melissa, who was wearing a cardigan from M&S over a plain purple t-shirt and flare jeans, had previously been very quiet at the group meetings and only made a few very neutral, inoffensive comments.
However, upon asking what music everyone liked, Melissa expected to shock the room when she announced her favourite band was ‘Cannibal Corpse’. Or, that she’d seen the band twice in concert, and could sing their hit single “I cum blood” from memory, if they wanted her to.
After a brief period of silence, Darren stepped up. Feeling empowered by his inherently pale face and male gender, he began: “you know what, Melissa – who cares? Yeah, we’ve seen that shit all before”.
“You go around, maybe wearing some adorable dress in pastel colours, and politely complimenting people on their average looks and poor clothing choices. You give no concrete opinions on anything, and then when we think we know you, the boring old ‘girl next door’, suddenly: BAM! ‘I like death metal’, or ‘I’m into BDSM’, or ‘I’m a scientologist’. Big deal, a boring trope and I think it’s just lazy personality writing on your part, frankly. What a shill- and here we were hoping the cliché wasn’t true”.
The other attendees were reportedly shocked, but in silent agreement with Darren’s harsh words.
Melissa purportedly tried to interrupt, but Darren barrelled on; “And no, you’re not going to surprise me by going further- no, the fact you wank to the series two finale of Hannibal doesn’t shock me, Melissa. Nor the fact you would totally still bang Kevin Spacey. You know why? I just expect it now. I see a girl who is sweet? Must be a murderer, or a psycho, or studying Comparative Literature. In fact, it’s not even healthy; you people turn into, like, Dolores Umbridge when you’re old so, like, fuck you”.
Darren claims he was acting on instinct, that the global counter of ‘shocking reveals by cutesy girls’ hit its cliché limit, and Darren was simply the messenger of a universal truth.
We don’t know the full story, yet we have heard reports that Melissa called Darren “a total prick” and that “being an unjustly angry white man was an even worse cliché”. She is reportedly rewriting her personality in line with his expectations, which are to not fulfil his expectations. Which we think is cliché, but, you know, probably best not to mention it.
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