Horoscopes

Horoscopes

Aries
Aries are really nasty pieces of work and this month your temper and low patience are going to combine as the full moon is ahead. You’ll probably make your mother cry at least twice this week. Maybe try anger management.

Taurus
Taurus, could you be any more indecisive? It’s really starting to bug everyone around you. Even your closest friends hate hanging out with you as it takes about four hours to pick what you want to order at Nando’s…it’s 2017 Taurus, who doesn’t have a standard Nando’s order by now? Get your shit together.

Gemini
Just because your star sign has the word ‘Gem’ in it doesn’t mean you’re special. Get down off your high horse. It’s not even diamond, it’s Gem; this epitomises your worth. You drink Prosecco in rooftop bars in Shoreditch when everyone knows Dalston is the only place to be seen right now.

Cancer
If you were a Tube line, you’d be the bakerloo. You’re like a btec when all your mates are A-levels, up your game. Also, you will get a feeling of déjà vu.

Leo
Honestly Leo, take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror. Then take the mirror down and throw it away because no matter how ashamed you are at yourself, you’re never going to change.

Virgo
VirGO away your body odour is really starting to irritate your flatmates; you aren’t on a water metre, just have a shower. Okay the price of Lynx in the Village shop is kinda pricey, but there is literally a Lidl on Burdett road.

Libra
Libra you’re channelling some really negative vibes right now that do not look cool against your new supreme hoody. It doesn’t matter how many times you say ‘yah peng bruh’ in a day. You just need to spend more time growing up and less time on depop trying to look cool.

Scorpio
You bought a Thrasher tee when you came to uni because you wanted to leave being bullied to your home town and start fresh. Realistically you are never going to be cool no matter how hard you try to smoke rollies.

Sagittarius
Sagittarius, you can be easily identified by your Drapers prowl. Desperation isn’t in right now and it never will be mate.

Capricorn
Capricorn, the moons and stars have aligned to show a month of pure perfection. You work hard and make the people around you happy. This has nothing to do with the birthdate of the woman writing this.

Aquarius
Stop relying on the bank of mum and dad and just get yourself a job. Your friends obviously realise that’s where you get your unlimited funds from. Why else would you always suggest KFC over Dixies? You aren’t fooling anyone.

Pisces
‘Social media whore’ sounds excessive, but it’s the nickname your friends now refer to you by. Put down your phone and enter the real world. The false sense of security that your Instagram likes get you doesn’t reflect how few people actually enjoy your company.

 


Section: Satire

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