How to lose a job in 10 days

How to lose a job in 10 days

An interview with part-time employment expert Georgie Moreton.
Some of what you’re about to read might be based on true events.

Interviewer: So Georgie, I must say I am truly honoured to interview a woman with such an impressive CV!

Georgie: Thanks, I’m sorry about the A3 paper but my careers advisor suggested it would look better all on one page because… you know, the list is so long.

Interviewer: Can you give us a brief overview of just how many jobs it is you’ve had in the past few years?

Georgie: Well, I started off in retail then just naturally progressed on to working in cinemas, waitressing, doing a bit of reception work, kitchen work, tour-guiding, working with young people, and then fundraising here and there.

Interviewer: Wow, you really are at the top of your game in the employment field! The readers here at The Print are desperate to learn from the best, so may I ask you for your top tips to getting fired?

Georgie: Well, one foolproof way to lose a job very quickly would be to make sure you’re always feeling relaxed and having a good time. I remember one time when I was working in a summer camp, me and my co-worker were responsible for around 40 students, I thought why not just let them have free time to explore the area on their own. I had a great day in the pubs in Brighton, a full day to do whatever I wanted and go on all the rides at the pier. My co-worker even managed to get with someone. If only the kids hadn’t grassed us up to management.

Interviewer: I noticed you’ve worked for the Student Union twice also, any tips on getting hired back by the same company in order to let them down for the second time?

Georgie: Yeah, I find that it’s quite important to make sure your employer is kept in the dark, who wants to advertise their flaws? You just have to make sure you have no run ins with ex-supervisors. It’s so much easier with a familiar workplace where you know all the best hiding places should your old manager be about. Staff rooms, kitchens, even cupboards are a perfect place to hide. However, if you do eventually run into someone it’s probably best to act as though you’ve never met before and reintroduce yourself, that’s what I did when bumped into my ex-manager in the staff room.

Interviewer: What is your record for the quickest you’ve lost a job then?

Georgie: Three weeks.

Interviewer: Wow, you didn’t waste any time there then!

Georgie: I get bored easily, life’s better when you mix things up now and then!

Interviewer: So, any last nuggets of help for aspiring readers to achieve your status of serial quitter?

Georgie: Be experimental, don’t let a lack of experience or competency hold you back from applying for any job. Take anything that comes your way no matter how unqualified you may be and pretend you know what you’re doing. Someone looking for kitchen staff? Just say you’ve got experience as chef (how hard can it be?). Confidence is key.

 


Section: Satire

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