Horoscopes

Horoscopes

Aries – March the 22nd to April the 20th

It’s the end of the semester, but don’t let your guard down. You might still get Rickrolled.

Taurus – April the 21st to May the 21st

Contrary to popular belief, dreaming that you did the assignment does mean that you did it in real life. Problem solved I guess!

Gemini – May the 22nd to June the 21st

Your refusal to answer the door at 2am is putting door-to-door assassins out of business. Have some courtesy and help a bro out.

Cancer – June the 22nd to July the 22nd

The dog days are over – get a pet snail instead.

Leo – July the 23rd to August the 23rd

This month you will look out of the window and see a featureless, barren wasteland. I guess that’s what you get for not wearing glasses.

Virgo – August the 24th to September the 22nd

Just because you’re horrendously interesting, doesn’t mean you have to tell everybody. This month, such boasting could get you in trouble.

Libra – September the 23rd to October the 23rd

Spring is coming! Say goodbye to seasonal depression and hello to exam season anxiety.

Scorpio – October the 24th to November the 22nd

Hmm, what’s that you’re smelling? Is it bacon? Oh wait, no, it’s just the smell of disappointment in the air.

Sagittarius – November the 23rd to December the 21st

Your prospects are growing nearly as fast as your wig collection.

Capricorn – December the 22nd to January the 20th

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? I hope not, because they’re only worth 5p, and this month you’ll find out you’re worth at least 8p.

Aquarius – January the 21st to February the 18th

Remember to Rickroll someone.

Pisces – February the 19th to March the 21st

There’s a Starman waiting in the sky. This month he’d like to come and meet you, but he cba.


Section: Satire

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *