Horoscopes

Horoscopes

Aries – March the 22nd to April the 20th

Beware of falling down rabbit holes – they contain fake news.

Taurus – April the 21st to May the 21st

It’s too cold for you to go on a chivalric quest right now. Why not stay in and spend some quality time with your page?

Gemini – May the 22nd to June the 21st

I hate to tell you this, Gemini, but you’re the subject of another prophecy. Look out for a wizard on a trapeze under cover of darkness – he will explain all.

Cancer – June the 22nd to July the 22nd

Contrary to popular belief, you are not the Übermensch. Keep trying – you’ll get there sometime around 3rd March.

Leo – July the 23rd to August the 23rd

Still looking for your Romeo/Juliet? STOP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. IT’S NOT GOING TO END WELL.

Virgo – August the 24th to September the 22nd

If you hear a strange rumbling noise in the night, don’t worry. It’s just Big Brother snoring as he takes a break from watching you.

Libra – September the 23rd to October the 23rd

If your friends are on your back about your behaviour, just blame it on the Oedipus complex. They’ll understand.

Scorpio – October the 24th to November the 22nd

Remember – just because you keep a diary, does not mean you will discover you are heir to the throne of Genovia. Your handwriting might improve though.

Sagittarius – November the 23rd to December the 21st

Home is where the heart is. Especially after you bury it under the floorboards at the end of February.

Capricorn – December the 22nd to January the 20th

The stars tell me you will be like the Invisible Man this month. Personally, I don’t see it.

Aquarius – January the 21st to February the 18th

You will have a serious argument with your loved one. Retaliate by faking your own death and framing them for your murder.

Pisces – February the 19th to March the 21st

Starting this month, there’s a chance that you may be stranded on a desert island for twenty-eight years with no one but a cannibal and the shelves you built for company. Fate will let you escape – providing you don’t write a book about it.


Section: Satire

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