American History with Ben Carson

American History with Ben Carson

Ben Carson recounts America’s dark chapters with his ‘unique’ interpretation

Just several days ago, as many people are now aware, Ben Carson made the highly controversial remark referring to slaves as ‘immigrants’, which raised a few eyebrows in America and abroad. Highly embarrassed by the mistake and wishing to explain himself, Ben Carson agreed to a sit-down interview with The Print in which he declared that he was now writing a book on American history to show the public that he is in fact sensitive to the nation’s emotional wounds, despite popular belief.

Interested, I asked Mr. Carson to give me a few examples from the book. After sitting almost motionless for minutes and slowly gathering dust, he began to laboriously articulate and told me that the book would begin with a chapter on the Vietnam War. He stated that he would address the common misconception that the US was defeated, and that, to the contrary, “the US army was having so many victories it became embarrassing”, prompting them to leave and never return.

After asking him to cease reading, he moved onto the next chapter, focusing on Grenada, in which he claimed that the US army was invited over for “donuts and coffee” and that that the island dwellers enjoyed their company so much that they requested that the soldiers remain.

Having heard enough, I asked to see the draft copy of the book which he appeared to be reading from and, upon passing it over to me, I realised that he was in fact reading a copy of Machiavelli’s ‘The Prince’.

Ignoring this and conscious that I was losing him, I changed the subject and moved onto the final question I had for him which I felt many people would be interested in. I asked whether he felt he was qualified for the position of the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, despite having no prior experience in construction or planning. He gained a solemn, contemplative demeanour and, with his eyes glazed and squinted, he uttered “if I can cut people’s heads open, I can build some houses”. With that, I decided to end the meeting and wished him the best of luck, just before he tilted his head back and fell asleep.

Image: Gage Skidmore/flickr


Section: Satire

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