Queen Mary Bans the Sun

Queen Mary Bans the Sun

 

The rest of the solar system is on red alert

After years of discriminating against those with a certain skin tone and leaving many more extremely heated or with a pounding headache, Queen Mary’s Student Council has voted to ban the Sun.

The Sun, which causes many to wince if they try and look at it for too long, has already been banned by City University and there are many more blackspots all over London. Instead of letting students decide for themselves whether they want to wear sun-cream or not, Queen Mary Students’ Union will bring in a blanket ban. This is a decision that many have called ‘bizarre’.

The Print has reached out to the Sun for comment. However, we have been unsuccessful at making contact, on account of it being 93000000 miles away.

Meanwhile, the bans have ignited a raging online debate. Even fictional character Jonathan Pie weighed in on Twitter, tweeting, “Next up: book burning!” However, experts say book burning is not a viable option, as it will not be able to replicate the Sun’s potent heat and energy. Many more are arguing that banning the Sun is an unimportant decision anyway because students will still be able to access it off campus.

Some students, particularly male ones, are displeased that the hot contents frequently found inside are no longer available. Dejected undergraduates told The Print that they will now be searching for other sources of that sizzling stuff that made the Sun so appealing. Looking at hot pictures of Jordan on the internet will be where many will start*.

It is unclear whether Queen Mary will try and ban other stars in the solar system. Mystic Meg is keeping a close watch, just in case.

*The country of Jordan. Naturally. What else could I mean?

Image: Hubble ESA/flickr


Section: Satire

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