Horoscopes

Horoscopes

Aries – March the 22nd to April the 20th

Everyone scoffed when you said ‘New Year New Me’. Maybe it’s time to show off your shapeshifting prowess.

Taurus – April the 21st to May the 21st

All your unwanted hairspray will be put to good use.

Gemini – May the 22nd to June the 21st

You have many questions – but the universe doesn’t have all the answers. Google does, though.

Cancer – June the 22nd to July the 22nd

Go out and talk to people. All those hilarious bad puns are going to waste.

Leo – July the 23rd to August the 23rd

You tried to avoid it last year – but you can’t lie to yourself any longer. You’re genuinely looking forward to James Blunt’s new album.

Virgo – August the 24th to September the 22nd

Try changing things up a bit. Maybe get a new haircut, buy some new clothes, or steal the identity of the person you’re really jealous of and live as them for as long as possible. Just do what makes you happy!

Libra – September the 23rd to October the 23rd

Time to re-release your inner dancer. Just not on the tube like last time.

Scorpio – October the 24th to November the 22nd

Congratulations! You are one degree warmer than last month.

Sagittarius – November the 23rd to December the 21st

This month will be full of fun, laughter, and running from the law.

Capricorn – December the 22nd to January the 20th

It’s going to be a hectic year for you. This month, make things easy on yourself by celebrating Valentine’s Day, April Fools’ Day, Easter, Halloween, Christmas and New Year before they happen. Trust me, it’s better this way.

Aquarius – January 21st to February the 18th

You open the door. You take a step outside and see what is going on in the lives of your fellow humans. You immediately go back inside. Better luck next month.

Pisces – February the 19th to March the 21st

Luckily for you, excessive sleeping is the hot trend for 2017.


Section: Satire

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