Horoscopes

Aries – March the 22nd to April the 20th

One night you will arrive home and be greeted by a mysterious bright light. Your flatmate has left the kitchen light on. Turn it off before you get a big bill.

Taurus – April the 21st to May the 21st

This is your month! Seize the day; seize the opportunity; seize the means of production.

Gemini – May the 22nd June the 21st

This month will be one of mystery, suspense and intrigue. You will be plunged into an unknown world full of danger – you’ll never be the same again. Remember to eat more aubergines.

Cancer – June the 22nd to July the 22nd

You reconnect with an old friend. You find out they hate dogs. The connection is severed.

Leo – July the 23rd to August the 23rd

Reading these horoscopes inspires you to write for The Print. Who knows, maybe you’ll write the horoscopes…

Virgo – August the 24th to September the 22nd

You turn to the horoscopes section, hoping to finally find something that doesn’t mention Donald Trump. Oh.

Libra – September the 23rd to October the 23rd

Mercury is rising, but Neptune is waning. Tweet Brian Cox and find out what this means.

Scorpio – October the 24th to November the 22nd

You are very much the same, but colder.

Sagittarius – November the 23rd to December the 21st

You will become the most celebrated Sagittarius of your generation. Wield your power wisely.

Capricorn – December the 22nd to January the 20th

The postman is the scariest thing this month. You will flinch 27 times.

Aquarius – January 21st to February the 18th

You will find love on the Northern Line. Alternatively, you will find a glove on the Northern Line. Take your chances and find out.

Pisces  – February the 19th to March 21st

You are wondering what those mysterious noises are. Don’t worry – it’s just your neighbour sighing in an existential way.