Horoscopes

Horoscopes

Aries – March the 22nd to April the 20th

One night you will arrive home and be greeted by a mysterious bright light. Your flatmate has left the kitchen light on. Turn it off before you get a big bill.

TaurusApril the 21st to May the 21st

This is your month! Seize the day; seize the opportunity; seize the means of production.

Gemini – May the 22nd June the 21st

This month will be one of mystery, suspense and intrigue. You will be plunged into an unknown world full of danger – you’ll never be the same again. Remember to eat more aubergines.

CancerJune the 22nd to July the 22nd

You reconnect with an old friend. You find out they hate dogs. The connection is severed.

LeoJuly the 23rd to August the 23rd

Reading these horoscopes inspires you to write for The Print. Who knows, maybe you’ll write the horoscopes…

VirgoAugust the 24th to September the 22nd

You turn to the horoscopes section, hoping to finally find something that doesn’t mention Donald Trump. Oh.

LibraSeptember the 23rd to October the 23rd

Mercury is rising, but Neptune is waning. Tweet Brian Cox and find out what this means.

ScorpioOctober the 24th to November the 22nd

You are very much the same, but colder.

Sagittarius – November the 23rd to December the 21st

You will become the most celebrated Sagittarius of your generation. Wield your power wisely.

CapricornDecember the 22nd to January the 20th

The postman is the scariest thing this month. You will flinch 27 times.

AquariusJanuary 21st to February the 18th

You will find love on the Northern Line. Alternatively, you will find a glove on the Northern Line. Take your chances and find out.

Pisces  – February the 19th to March 21st

You are wondering what those mysterious noises are. Don’t worry – it’s just your neighbour sighing in an existential way.


Section: Satire

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