Cooking With Keith Vaz

Cooking With Keith Vaz

With his newly found free time, Keith Vaz offers up his culinary expertise to help the gastronomically challenged students of QM

Keith my man,

I’m really struggling. Been at uni almost three months studying chemistry and the most adventurous thing I’ve cooked was a chicken tikka masala ready meal that was three days past the use by date. My flatmate held an intervention because of the amount of baked bean cans in the recycling bin. So I need you to go full Ainsley Harriott and teach me how to make a meal out of some baking powder, pickles and a can of Budweiser.

Cheers pal,

Hector Blummenburg

Dear Hector,

I was delighted to receive your letter in my daily correspondence. It’s just been so much of the same recently. This Scottish bloke keeps going on about investigating his yard? I’m not 100% sure I’m pretty hi… hideously busy with government stuff. Faxes, am I right?

Anyway, let’s return to the matter at hand which is getting you on the path to haute cuisine. Personally, I think you should make this meal a group affair. Really get other people involved. If your friends aren’t up to job you could always hire some outside help. I have these two guys who really are just tops. Once I got them on board they couldn’t do enough for me. Always there to lend a helping hand.

So you’ve got your crew and you’re ready to go. Head on over to the shops a pick up some supplies. Personally, I usually get a delivery but you do whatever suits you. So now you’ve got supplies you can start on that sweet sweet co… cooking.

Pop open all the jars you have. You’re going to want to be popping like there is no tomorrow. It’s important to keep this up for as long as you can to really keep the party, I mean prep, going.

Grab some veg – I’m very concerned with public health – and start cutting them up. What veg you ask? Doesn’t really matter. Just grab a knife, or a grater, or a credit card, whatever you have to hand, and start chopping. Cut them up really fine, too big and they may hurt your no… now clearly amazing dish.

So you’ve got some open jars and finely diced veg, perfect. Now it’s time for the final stage. Take all those ingredients and just throw them all over the room. Break the cooker, throw the cutlery out the window. Turn that kitchen into a complete and utter mess.

Then your mates will come in and appoint you head chef and chief health and safety officer. Sorted.

I hope I have helped with your little cooking conundrum. But let’s talk a little more about you. So you’re a chemistry undergrad huh? Really would love to chat to you about any side projects you might be working on, anything you might have in the popper line, ugh I mean in the pipeline. My email is thevazman@parliament.gov.

Image: CounselmanCollection/flickr


Section: Satire

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