The Print presents a cheering Christmas fable for you to read with your loved ones this holiday.
David Cameron’s reputation was dead: he knew that. He’d made savage cuts, angered almost everyone, employed Jeremy Hunt. So I must reiterate, Cameron’s reputation was as dead as a door-nail.
It was Christmas Eve, 2015. David was sitting in one of his houses reminiscing about how terrible this year had been. Everything from ISIS to the economy had given him sleepless nights. But there was no point worrying now. Time to enjoy some pork (his favourite) and have a relaxing Christmas.
And yet there was still something troubling him.
Something very strange had happened that evening. His peace had been interrupted by a ghostly figure emerging from the fireplace. David had wondered if it was just George Osbourne trying to scare him again – but when it spoke, he realised it was something much, much worse.
‘Hi, David? It’s Tony Blair.’
He couldn’t remember what was said exactly…something about the EU referendum? Warning him? All he could remember was that three people were going to visit him to try and show him “the error of his ways” – whatever that meant.
Drifting into sleep, David hoped it was just another Blair lie. But sure enough, at midnight, a voice announced ‘David Cameron…I am the Spirit of Referendums Past’.
David was taken aback. ‘Mrs Thatcher is that you?’ he exclaimed.
‘Yes, it is me. David I am here to warn you – referendums are always a bad idea, the people will hate you! You MUST listen to me David, for I am the country’s most beloved Prime Minister!’
Oh, Margaret, thought David with a wry laugh. Your optimism is admirable, but you’re not very in touch with reality. He shut the door in the old lady’s face, his mind not changed in the slightest.
An hour later, the second Spirit was announced. Luckily, this encounter didn’t last long. Its name was Boris so, as you can imagine, David was soon asleep.
He only awoke when the third Spirit tapped him on the shoulder. It was a severe looking woman in a beige trouser suit. Dear Angela Merkel, how glad he was to see her! But soon things took a turn…what was this wasteland she was guiding him round? What was a “Brexit” and why did the UK have one? Why were all those world leaders snubbing him – wait, what did they mean ex-Prime Minister?! And what on earth was that orangey figure doing in the White House? He looked at Angela, but even she had turned her back on him…
When David woke up, everything was clear. He opened the window and shouted to the world – he would scrap the referendum!
Full of joy and good will, he ran forth into the street to donate to a local food bank. His conscience clear, he went home to enjoy Christmas. David had a wonderful day with his family watching Love Actually and listening to his favourite album, The Best of David Bowie. He was happy, and safe, and knew that 2016 would be a great year.