Gardening Tips With Jeremy Hunt

Gardening Tips With Jeremy Hunt

You’ve learnt to take care of yourself (a bit) now learn how to take care of some flowers from everyone’s 7453rd favourite Oxford graduate.

Step 1: Decide what flowers you’re going to plant. Choose whichever ones you like – as long as they’re not foreign. The N RHS wants homegrown, British flowers from now on, please. Just leave those other ones to grow in their own country.

Step 2: Make sure you’ve got the right gardening tools. If you lose yours as often as I do, you might want to ask a friend to lend you some. I often borrow from my elderly neighbour Mrs May – her whole cabinet is full of them.

Step 3: After a hugely inflated waiting time, you’re ready to start preparing the ground. To do this, take a gardening fork and relentlessly hack at the ground until it’s a shadow of its former self. People will say things like, ‘Jeremy you’re ruining everything’ – but you’re actually being firm and authoritative. Just ignore the criticism, I do!

Step 4: Time to get planting. Dig yourself a hole and shove a bulb inside; repeat until you’ve dug yourself so many holes that it’s impossible to escape.

Step 5: At this point most people would advocate lots of sun, water, and possibly some extra nutrients to help them grow. I, on the other hand, prefer a different approach. Sure, you can do all those things, but don’t stick to it 100%. Even when people from the NHS – sorry, RHS – tell me that I’m responsible for killing everything I touch, I like to let nature take its course. And, sure enough, when the flowers are full grown they’re fine! Some of them are a bit limp and occasionally die of neglect, but at least they’re homegrown: and that’s what really matters.

Want to know more? Buy my manual Jeremy Hints – which is out now and features some hilarious stories about removing parasites, making cuts, and tree surgeons (not real surgeons, luckily!) I’m sure it’s available in your reputable campus bookshop.*

*Surprisingly Jeremy, it isn’t. Our loss I guess.

Image: jbarreiros/flickr


Section: Satire

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *