Horoscopes

Horoscopes

Aries – March the 22nd to April the 20th

This month, you’re not like other girls. Soon you will return to mediocrity.

Taurus – April the 21st to May the 21st

A figure from your past will soon reappear. That kid who left your school in Year 8 is in Drapers!

Gemini – May the 22nd June the 21st

Gemini, you’ve broken a lot of hearts recently. But don’t worry. This month, we’ve moved on.

Cancer – June the 22nd to July the 22nd

You’d never heard of Queen Mary before you read it on a list of Russell Group universities, but trusty lists have never failed you before. You’re liking it so far.

Leo – July the 23rd to August the 23rd

Something is afloat.

Virgo – August the 24th to September the 22nd

Don’t miss an opportunity! You’re better off without it.

Libra – September the 23rd to October the 23rd

A faint scent of lavender follows you around.

Scorpio – October the 24th to November the 22nd

Steer clear of water at night. You don’t want to know why…

Sagittarius – November the 23rd to December the 21st

You lie in bed one night. You can hear distant shrieking. Whether from the drunk or the undead, you do not know. You feel remorse, having been loud and drunk yourself only recently. Your sleep is restless; dreams and reality merge into one.

Capricorn – December the 22nd to January the 20th

Its autumn, your favourite season. Time to be clad in beanies and plaid, and come out to your family via post.

Aquarius – January 21st to February the 18th

You find the texture of this paper unsettling. You do not want to get ink on your fingers.

Pisces – February the 19th to March 21st

Nothing happens to you this month.


Section: Satire

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