December Horoscopes

December Horoscopes

Want to know what’s in store for the month of December? The Print have it covered

AquariusJanuary 21st to February the 18th

 A good deed may change your life dramatically but be wary of false 10ers, for you may turn into a turnip if you spend one on a haircut.

PiscesFebruary the 19th to March 21st

Your life may feel like it is passing you by. It probably is. Death is near, accept it and perish.

AriesMarch the 22nd to April the 20th

Give all your money to a pigeon outside the Library, for they have the power to shift the planets and align them your favour.

TaurusApril the 21st to May the 21st

Remember to always tie your shoelaces before a long walk or a sore back may come upon you. Always keep your heart open to new experiences. Why not go gay?

GeminiMay the 22nd June the 21st

The planets align against you this day. Hide in the sewers and wear gloves to protect you from the germs, as they will try and burn your skin. Look people in the eye, for you can learn nothing from the throat.

CancerJune the 22nd to July the 22nd

Close relationships may feel strained as Venus moves through your house. Now is the time to confront your neighbour about their terrible Wi-Fi.

LeoJuly the 23rd to August the 23rd

Stay away from places that sell alcohol and have names that resemble cutlery, for you may meet your downfall at the bottom of a Tuborg. New friendships will come your way, just remember not all of your friends need to be human. Look for love among biscuits.

VirgoAugust the 24th to September the 22nd

As the moon begins to wane into December you may find yourself feeling impulsive, or perhaps full of exciting new ideas. This is the work of Neptune and you must supress these feelings at all costs.

LibraSeptember the 23rd to October the 23rd

You may feel struck with a sudden stroke of brilliance this week. Don’t pay any attention to it, it’s just Mars fucking about as usual.

ScorpioOctober the 24th to November the 22nd

Avoid the centaurs who dwell in the Whitechapel Library, they are especially dangerous for you at this time.

SagittariusNovember the 23rd to December the 21st

The trees are beginning to change colour and you may too. It is natural to change colour throughout the year. This is normal if you are a moth. If you are not a moth then speak to your GP or cease your intake of Sunny D.

CapricornDecember the 22nd to January the 20th

November has been a time of hardship for you, but, as we move ever closer to the New Year, you should feel this glumness begin to lift. Celebrate with a pecan plait, or maybe a dangerous wank.


Section: Satire

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